Hi friends!
Initially, I thought it would be a fun idea to start writing my own posts about what I’ve been engaging with after reading some amazing reflections from my friends. Instead, over the course of the month, I’ve written some poetry that I’d actually like to share. I have been shy about sharing my writing in the past, but I hope this can be an informal way of documenting my thoughts over time. I might alternate between sharing my own writing and sharing work I’ve found online in future posts. Anyway, here is my March collection.
Practice
The hair falls in small clumps around us on the floor. I press my thumb with slight firmness into his neck, and my dad bows his head accordingly. For 41 minutes, the snip of the scissors and the buzz of the razor are all to be heard. I stand right in front of him, and his eyes look past me. I cut each individual hair, combing, pausing, adjusting my position. At some point, when my pattern loses energy, my father knows I have finished. He gets up, we collect the fallen hair, he pats my back, and he walks away. I hear my mom’s voice in their bedroom as he walks towards her. “Ah, you look so much better!” She enters the kitchen to tell me what she said, but I already heard, and I continue collecting hair. My dad rubs his neck, blows air in my face. I watch him walk away carefully, seeing the organization of shortness, realizing the time it took. Love is spacious, it imparts patience. Unheld gazes and strict responsibility. The love it takes to stay still in an inconsolable world. The love it takes to let go of that one hair on my father’s neck that refuses to be pruned in the purpose of appreciation.
What am I worth?
“GROW”
“GROW”
“GROW”
A thousand suns glare Then one of them bursts And for a second I rest under the death Of a violent star
Roots of mine search to grasp something I need it Nurture me, please Let me be a part of what I am not Search for a soul Escape this careless body Into the damp, protected Intangible earth
Yet under the radiance of all that is visible My stem reaches For the warmth I’ve been fooled to love As if their flames were my purpose As if fire could ever hydrate me
I have no interest in growing, you see They just want my seeds The moon strained to form tidal waves Blinded by the effort
Lifetimes of catastrophes To cultivate this land of broken debris To create this magical seed And now one wrong step One harsh breath will make me disappear
shame
shame
shame
Stargaze with me For my fruit and flowers are waste But so incredibly Brilliant
Reclamation
“Monster!”
“Monster!”
“Bad guy!”
“Sinner!”
Under designations Eyes are Holy Cages are Coffins
Adulated and execrated We condemn ourselves
Every morning My consciousness stumbles Through my branching body
The tapping pain Frightens me awake Tightness flows From my neck to my chest
m o n s t e r The pain stomps into me Our bodies will burst under pressure
Growing/Changing
Pain makes you mature Until it doesn’t anymore
I’ve scratched my head so many times My scalp has scabs Healing from my confusion Uncaging an appearance
What if instead we grieved together? Holding each other As the graying daylight arrives
Maybe selfishness can be unlearned Outgrown like bright dresses on awkward bodies Softened, open, seeking to become Everything it is not
The sky is always perfect
We talk on the phone And every crackling word barely touches my ear before it slips away My mind fights to make meaning Around all the static
In the kitchen, on your bed, or stuck in traffic I know there’s a sky above you too And for this moment, I have your complete focus
Whether in residence with rain clouds, humid air, or a hazy blue fade Breathing in the air of sandflies or mosquitos I can’t help but feel that this smell, these sounds, this feeling is just Perfect
I know The way I Google every word before speaking it Or the way you ask a million times if this is alright That we intentionally, carefully created this together
We’re not great at it The air you entrap almost suffocates me The nerves turn my body into a cheap speaker With way too much bass and messy clashing melodies And every night I wake up sweating
I turn every water droplet into snow And while attractive, the sun’s glare makes everything a little too bright Eventually it all piles up And weighs down on your back As you dig your way around my bad manners
But I’d like to think Whenever I hold this phone to my face That you think of the sky too Know that if I could I’d paint it through all its changes
What to do with a lifetime
The people around me are on a lifelong mission Attempting to do the impossible To last longer than death To make people in their image To be more solid than object Flow freer than water To escape their flesh Even for a moment
I know I think too much And this gets confused for a mission But I’m as aimless as ever I dream of love As ugly as it is
I dream of sunsets, the ocean shaping sand, pinky promises, takeout leftovers, kisses on the cheek, midnight rants, cluttered rooms, and so many books
I dream of fire skies, forests, a pristine campus, childhood music, pockets of heavy silence, tidal waves, the anticipation behind a closed front door, everything that is and has been normal
But just because I love it all doesn’t mean I need it My dreams are not the same as my desires
My dreams in fact are awful There is so much shame So much space between normal and better So much Loneliness So much
Between what is around me and this trance is a dead language
I have no mission No journey No calling I have no desire to move
But every motivation to leave Because I am most in love with love Abundant in what we don’t know In what our dreams can create
I beg myself to fall in love with the future Dream! Please, try harder
The older I get The more my love becomes Aspiration
Draw in your breathe And exhale Linger in this short moment together Before we depart alone
Imagine this
You and me Unisolated from all other things But present nonetheless
Imagine this You laugh so hard and chase your breath So I outpour my thoughts Release every valuable thing I’ve ever held With my tongue and cagey teeth Onto the the space between our lips
Imagine this The first time you tear up in front of me I gently touch our fingers My thumb and pointer hold between the pad and nail And I feel it The grasp, the pressure, The wiped away moisture I raise my arm, you exhale And all the frayed wires fizzle wildly
“I’ll be right back”
Imagine this I cut an orange’s skin with my thumb The nail lifts its edges And I pull, pull, rip The orange leather dries my fingertips I scratch away all the white pith The waste turns my nails yellow
Imagine this I sit adjacent to your world With my dried bitter fingertips I push the orange apart And place one slice between your lips Sweetness from acrimonious hands Maybe that’s how love appears Imagine