January Collection
Hi friends! I’m sorry I haven’t posted in some time. I’ll get back on it this semester. For this collection I was too lazy to edit the poems from how I have written them in my journal so maybe they’ll read a bit differently. I hope you all are feeling cared for.
exchange
In january we wait for
longer days and tips of
noses heated by soft kisses
You may look at me crazy
when i say that all
i've ever dreamed of
was a yellow lamp in a
dark room filled with
clutter and empty
cardboard boxes
All i wanted was for you
to share your sound and
accept the silence
i share in return
In this and all my life
i promise i'm listening
on the scale
in a long expansive journey
the heart will go to battle 86400 times
before the day is done
the heart will fight the absence
it is fed and it will flow streams
the heart will be eaten out
and hollow before it stops
it will race against cracked skin
and heat the lines bright red
the heart will push against gravity
to stand straight a fainting head
the heart will be tested again and again
can it chase after running legs?
will it stretch higher for reaching arms?
slow now and weary
the depressed heart begs
for a moment of peace
"i am not a machine
i will give out eventually"
and in the heart's first lost battle
entropy will win the war
you were never allowed to make mistakes
and yet isn't it remarkable
how hard it was for the heart to break
floating below the surface
I wonder what it would be like
if I were the type to talk easy
if I replaced my smile with a laugh
and knew the names of my neighbors
When we say goodnight
I'll be too embarrassed to lift my head
Stripped from inhibitions
all that's left of me is sorry
autonomy
say what you want
and you will be wrong
and they will be wrong
but only you will stick around
with the memories on repeat
so you say enough
and draw a line through your head
but the next time is here and
you can feel their love waiting
just on the other side of the line
so you draw new lines to make
intricate maps through your head
following your own directions
you're still left in the wrong
and they're in the wrong
and the map is useless
You never intended to go anywhere
time passing is marked by
diminishing self-respect
and when this map
inevitably crosses itself out
you will finally arrive to the place
where you have lost it all
Pacific Northwest
There is a list on my phone
Of people I plan to see
Whose memories I hold
In my chest rather than my head
And in that list
Over and over again
I look for her
Recollecting my past is like
Clawing at healthy skin
You refuse to acknowledge the pain
What good would it do to go home
When home has already left you
I wonder what will hurt more
Feeling forgotten or feeling remembered
Would everything be different
Had I known all along
That no one was watching
There is a list on my phone
Of people I'd like to meet
Again and this time around
I'll hold my breath
When I want to jump
Off the bridge and if
Anyone asks I'll tell
Them that life is one long
Transition and I'm always
Blurred, crossed, faded out
I'll stand on demolition sites
Of old buildings that meant
Nothing to me and I'll
Ride through trails that
Meant nothing to me
I'll walk my old path to school
Unearth every stone I buried
And in all the sobs I hold back
I will call for her
The one I am looking for
But don't you remember
Aarushi? You already left.